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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.