Daily Silly Status

If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

If Apple made a car, would it have windows?

If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.

You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.

Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"

There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.

I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.

Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us

Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.

My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.

I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.

Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.