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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.