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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.