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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.