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There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.