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is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.