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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.