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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
What’s the answer to this question?
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels