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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!