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Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.