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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
I wonder what my dog has named me?
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.