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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.