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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun