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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Your things are terrific.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.