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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one