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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I think, therefore i`m single.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."