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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
The fox says you need to stop.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…