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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.