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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.