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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping