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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it