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I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.