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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed