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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.