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I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.