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A wise man, will often say nothing
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink