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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.