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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point