Daily Silly Status

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.

I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of

Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality

twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.

If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.

I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."

Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat

Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.

Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".

If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions