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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."