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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.