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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.