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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Damn your Hott!...........................Freaking Sun! lmao =P
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"