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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.