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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.