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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.