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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.