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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.