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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
I have off-road rage, too
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!