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If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.