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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
insert coin to view my status
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.