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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Don`t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you`re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”