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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."