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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
take me drunk i`m home
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.