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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".