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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."