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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
I think, therefore i`m single.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?