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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Warning: I just get weirder.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?