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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...