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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Relationship Status: eating
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.