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Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.