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Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever