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If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.