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According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?