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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.