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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.