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I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Looking back, it was a good thing I was too wasted to fire up the chainsaw.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?