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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.