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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!