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I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.