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It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
i like boobs
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.