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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.