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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?