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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?