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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.