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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside