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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.