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People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.