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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.