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Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.