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Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?