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Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....