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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.