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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
It`s no fun if you have permission.