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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.