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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
The first sign of laziness:
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!