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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.