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The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.