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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, Iād like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.