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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?