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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Smelling another person should be a choice.