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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.