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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.