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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.