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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards