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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.