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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.