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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Siri, where are my pants?
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.