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Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.