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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Exercise? More like extra fries.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.