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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.