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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.