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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
What do women say when they are actually fine?
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.