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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants