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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem