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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
So much to do and so few alibis.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack