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So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…