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This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...