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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?