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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
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I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.