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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?