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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Gym update: not there
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!