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No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"