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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.