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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.