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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.