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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?