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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.