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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling