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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.