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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.