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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.