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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!