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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.