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I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.